The importance of human-animal bonding in developing emotion regulation, social skills and mental health in children, teen-agers and adults has always been recognized. Attachment to a pet is fundamental for human beings.
“He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.”–Immanuel Kant
This famous expression involves the concept from which one of the most beautiful existing relationships can be extrapolated. The link that can be created between two different species: human beings and animals.
Literature, cinema, but above all facts of everyday life (often made famous), are the tangible proof of the indissoluble bond that animals and people can generate between themselves; a true relationship that arises from trust and mutual respect.
Here is a study that may spark debate among pet owners, as it shows that too much attachment to pets would be a sign of an attachment disorder.
A recent study published in the journal BMC Psychiatry tells us that people very attached to their pet are more likely to suffer from a behavioral disorder and more specifically attachment disorders.
To reach this conclusion – which immediately makes our connection with our pets less romantic – researchers at Saarland University conducted a survey with 610 dog owners, mostly women aged 18 to 73. They asked the participants to complete various questionnaires to assess their mental health status and the type of connections they develop in general. By analyzing the answers, the scientists found a link between being attached to their dogs and signs of mental disorders and emotional distress.
A compensatory strategy
The study goes even further by pointing out that this intense bond with a pet demonstrates a lack of trust in others and a fear of being rejected or not being loved. Attachment to one’s pet would thus be an attachment strategy to compensate for the difficulty of being closed to other humans. A difficulty probably stemming from a lack of emotional security during childhood.
For sure I am super attached to my gorgeous cat, I cannot say though if I am disturbed 🙂
If you want to be happy or happy again, here are five tips you should remember and use whenever you are surrounded by people spreading negative energy.
1. Find the source – If you want to protect yourself from negative energy, I would suggest you first locate the cause. Don’t be afraid to confront it then. In the end, you will be able to free yourself from all negative influences.
2. Focus on the positive – If you focus on a certain positive thought to help you eliminate negative energy, rather than focusing on the unpleasant things, you will be able to tune into the positive energy and use it to your advantage.
3. You have the power to find the right solution – No matter what happens in your life, you will always be able to improve things. Believe in your potential and power to become happy and satisfied with your life. This way, you will understand that you are not a helpless victim.
4. Meeting positive people – The best way to avoid negativity is to meet positive people. It’s important that you have a friend who can support you, be there for you, and help you with life’s tough challenges. If you don’t want to go out, you can always suggest other ideas.
5. Negative energy isn’t always addressed to you – You might think that all negativity is targeting you directly. But this is not true. Negative energy is more about the emotional condition of others. In other words, it doesn’t depend on you and it is not always addressed to you.
It hurts to see a loved one who is not psychologically well. How to help a friend need then?
Nobody taught you how to help a friend and you don’t know what to do. You celebrate successes with them but you would like to be able to listen to their anxieties, fears, frustrations and problems in general. It really depends on your sensitivity and empathy.
You have noticed that a friend of yours no longer looks like the one you used to know. They seem sad, dull, speak little, they are isolated and blocked in their thoughts. They may be also restless, nervous, hyperactive, anxious, irritable, and have started drinking a lot of alcohol.
You wonder if it was due to the pandemic. Maybe, but they were like that also in the summer, when the Covid situation had improved. They continue to see everything black, they don’t want to go out, see anyone or even talk to anyone.
Moreover, they sleep badly, and are not motivated to go to work.
The first thing that comes naturally to do is trying to reassure them, saying that they don’t need to worry, it will pass quickly, we all have problems and maybe you start telling them about yours, as if this could cheer them up. The result is that your friend is getting worse and worse.
Actually, this diminishing other people’s state of discomfort only contributes to making them feel worse.
Once a psychologist told me that when a person is agitated, you should never tell them to stay calm, because this would have the opposite effect. It is more or less the same thing. If a person is in distress, you should not underestimate their discomfort.
First, you have to listen to them, in an active and empathic way. Listening in this way is not easy, but you can learn. Validate what the friend feels; don’t underestimate their situation and make them understand that they are not alone.
Sometimes, giving advice is not useful. On the other hand, it may be useful to offer practical help, such as shopping for example.
Alternatively, you can propose to go out together, for a drink or to a restaurant, so that your friend can get distracted and maybe they relax and tell you about the difficult time they are going through. A walk in nature or a short hike are also activities that can prove useful. Visiting an art exhibition or a museum can really help raise the moral.
You don’t have to force them to do anything they don’t want to, you have to give your friend space and time, conveying hope that they will feel better later on. You can also tell them to remember some good times from the past that might be comforting. Or, you can tell them to think of other difficult moments they went through and ask themselves how they overcame them.
In addition, you don’t have neither to put pressure on them nor judge them. Only be available.
Obviously, you must not take responsibility for the mental health of the other person. If you are not a psychologist, you cannot know if what the person is going through is temporary or if it is a real mental disorder.
Therefore, if you see that your friend’s health does not improve, you should try to convince them to go to the doctor to explain the situation. Maybe you could even offer to accompany them, because friendship also means helping each other.
It is undeniable that the restrictions imposed by the ongoing pandemic have drastically changed our habits and our lifestyle. There is no doubt that the stress produced by uncertainty, prohibitions and lockdowns, whether partial or total, have prompted us to search for distractions that can give us some relief. As Ovid said, human beings seek what is forbidden and desire what is denied them.
There is a thread that links excessive behaviors (drinking too much, smoking too much, overeating, spending too much time on the computer or watching television) to stress.
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash
Clearly, the pandemic puts our desires on hold and it is normal to wish for what cannot be done. Only when we go back to a more or less normal life and our desires will be satisfied, our lives will be brighter. The pursuit of pleasure is an absolutely human behaviour, there is nothing to worry about.
Our brain identifies and reinforces beneficial behaviours such as eating well, socializing, having fun. This complex reward circuit that generates pleasure is the result of the evolution that guarantees our survival, that orients us in daily life and that keeps us going on. The more we can produce dopamine (the pleasure and reward hormone), the more we can generate pleasant sensations in a natural way. As a consequence, we would not need to adopt excessive behaviours that can lead to addictions.
However, the situation we have been experiencing for about a year has affected and affects motivation and self-control. We are no longer able to generate pleasant sensations and situations naturally and we have to look for different means to improve our life condition. The sudden lack of dopamine results in a short circuit of pleasant sensations which then pushes us to seek pleasure in another way.
It is important to be careful that these behaviours do not turn into addictions. Luckily, few people drive themselves to the point of becoming addicted to new harmful habits.
To prevent addiction it is necessary to put in place strategies that favour self-control, especially anti-stress strategies. Practising physical exercise, walking in the nature, trying not to isolate yourself but to maintain contact even remotely, are just some suggestions.
“She asked me to put her in copy to all emails, even the most trivial ones. Sometimes she would knock on my office door to ask me if I was okay because I had spent a lot of time in the bathroom, when actually only five minutes have passed. She checked when I walked in and when I left my office to see how long I had been way. The pressure she exerted by checking every detail of my work was suffocating, more than exaggerated and above all counterproductive.”
This is just a testimony from an employee who used to work with a micro-manager. What exactly is micromanagement? It is a managerial practice through which the manager exercises exhaustive control of the actions, tasks, functions and responsibilities of the people subordinated to him / her at a hierarchical level.
This type of managers may also ask to see an email before it is sent, and they may want to be informed of all the decisions that employees need to take, because they think that their staff cannot take decisions. A micromanager combines impatience and distrust with absolute control of the tasks assigned to their subordinates.
The situation look like the schemes used by the “Thought Police” to scrupulously monitor every moment of the characters in George Orwell’s “1984” novel. As in that book, the consequences of this practice of strict control on employees are devastating. The boss gains in peace of mind but staff suffer from it and are also less productive. Actually, this system creates bottlenecks that cause a slowdown in all activities. This type of manager wants to earn a good reputation and prevent a supervisor from blaming them that something was wrongly done.
Photo by Michal Jakubowski on Unsplash
But the worst part falls on the employees. Many times they do not know how to give priority, because the boss constantly changes their priorities based on the urgency that arrives, or because a superior asks him or her or it is the market requiring that. Employees lose creativity and self-esteem. A culture of fear is established, where everything is subject to the orders of the superior. This can lead to sickness absenteeism.
Apart from real psychosomatic diseases that can arise, psychological situations can also develop for which the person feels worthless, becomes smaller and smaller until they doubt their abilities. You begin to ask yourself: “Am I capable of doing it? ”,“ Am I in the wrong job? ”,“ Why do they control me like this, what have I done wrong? ”. And it can also happen that you quit your job, even if you have a good salary. When a situation cannot be changed or accepted, you have to leave it, and, in this case, you leave your job.
It is important to know that people do not quit jobs, they leave bosses.
But why do managers fall into this trap?
If micromanagement spoils the work environment, employees’ health, and it is harmful even to bosses who lose productivity and may lose also staff, why can’t this total and constant control be avoided? The bosses don’t have enough work to do?
Let’s see the possible causes.
First, managers themselves suffer pressure from the environment, be it from their own bosses, shareholders, markets or competition.
Second, incompetence. Either managers feel unsecure because their staff perform an excellent job compared to their own, or the employees are not suitable for that type of job.
The third cause is clear and straightforward: the boss’s obsessive personality making them unable to organize and manage the work.
Whatever the cause is, it is necessary to analyse what is happening in order to put an end to the situation as soon as possible. First, you should go to the human resources of your company. I have worked in human resources for over 10 years and have seen a lot of micromanagement.
As an alternative, you could turn to your superior and ask them to implement one or more techniques, perhaps with the help of a coach. One technique could be that of the traffic light. Together with the boss, you define the admissible and acceptable control limits, that are not to be exceeded. If these limits should be overcome, some signals will be sent to the manager. When the manager receives them, they identify their behaviour and try to control it.
Another strategy is to define the profile of the boss and of each team members, analysing their personal, professional and communication style and characteristics. Once this “x-ray” is completed, the boss shall answer the following questions:
1. What leadership style they use with each employee;
2. What leadership style each employee would need;
3. Which leadership model they would like to use with the each employee.
By doing so, the boss can realize that the type of leadership they are using is in line with that person’s role, but it is not what that employee, due to his or her personality, needs. By adopting this paradigm shift, the boss begins to think not from their own point of view, but from that of the subordinate. While this strategy may sound like science fiction, with time and a willingness to change, success is assured.
London, February 1944. The bombing alarms sound throughout all the city.
In a small room, however, everything is calm, extremely calm. In this room, Dwight Eisenhower is preparing the “OverLord” operation, an operation of capital importance. Eisenhower is an important general in the US military. The decisions he makes will have an unprecedented impact on his life, his career and the whole world. Europe has been suffering from Nazism for too long.
“OverLord” has as its objective the landing of allied troops on the coast of Normandy to free Europe from Hitler’s Nazism. It is a historic moment: it is the largest landing of military troops. The fate of Europe and the whole world are at stake. Eisenhower’s staff are pessimistic. The King of England, George VI, wrote him a letter telling him that the more the project progresses, the more frightening it becomes. His organization does not hold. Eisenhower is in his quiet room in London and the bombs don’t stop falling. It seems that the weight of the whole world is on his shoulders. Work on the final preparations by drinking tea. He has faith in his plan. History will prove him right a few months later. Eisenhower is part of that group of heroes of which little is said, despite being the author of one of the greatest military successes in history. On 6 June 1944 he saved Europe from nazi-fascism.
Eisenhower is at the same time a brilliant strategist, a peerless organizer and a charismatic statesman. His successes are numerous. In 1953 he became the 34th President of the United States. During his tenure, he launched several reform programs, including the modernization of all road infrastructure in his country. We remember him as a man with an infallible organization. A man who is not afraid of challenges, of whatever size they may be. Among the lessons we can learn from Eisenhower, there is the management of time according to the matrix that takes his name, the Eisenhower matrix in fact.
“What is important is rarely urgent and what is urgent is rarely important.”
This phrase was a kind of mantra for Eisenhower. He analysed all his actions according to this principle. Therefore, he has built this matrix, which teaches us to make choices.
It’s very simple. Imagine 4 boxes on a table (in the picture here below they are called quadrants):
one containing urgent and important things;
a second box containing important but not urgent things;
a third box containing urgent but not important things;
a last one containing non-urgent and unimportant things.
I would like to point out that this matrix can help you in both private and professional life.
For all the things we have to do, we need to ask ourselves these two questions:
How urgent is it? When do I absolutely have to do this?
What level of importance does it have? What happens if I don’t do it?
For example, I have a medical appointment that I have been waiting for a long time. It’s urgent? Yes, I booked it a long time ago and so now it’s urgent. It’s important? Yes, because I have to understand the origin of this health problem that has been bothering me for some time.
Therefore, I will put it into the top left “Urgent and Important” box (quadrant I).
In the top right box (quadrant II) I put the activities that are important but not urgent because they are things I can do later. Right now they are not crucial to achieving my goals. For example, I want to promote my business on social media or translate my site into English. They are activities to be planned.
Then, there are some activities that are urgent but not important (quadrant III). For example, replying to an email that does not concern me directly, or attending a meeting that I consider superfluoud that it is important that someone from my team participate. I can delegate this activity.
In the lower right box (quadrant IV) I put everything that is neither urgent nor important. Actually, for everything that is inside this box, I should ask myself: shall I keep it?
According to Eisenhower, such a drastic choice is difficult. However, if after a few weeks, the things inside this box have not been done yet, they must be eliminated.
This matrix is very useful because it forces us to distance ourselves and question ourselves about our situation.
Here are 5 questions that you have to ask yourself:
Crisbie Coach 