self-esteem – Crisbie Coach

Why Perfectionism Is Not Healthy

Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive lifestyle that has a high personal cost and can lead to anxiety or depression. Sometimes it hides a low self-esteem. That is why perfectionism is not healthy.

Being perfect means that you do not have imperfections, defects, or weaknesses. For some of us, perfectionism might seem an advantage, especially if it is referred to the work place. If you want to be successful, you should set high standards, have attention to details, and dedication.

However, this is a myth. Perfectionism does not mean to do things well.

Perfectionism affects people of all ages and lifestyles, and it is on the rise among students. An research in which 41,641 British, Canadian and American universities were included between 1989 and 2016, showed an increase in the percentage of young people who feel they need to aim for perfection to achieve their academic and professional goals.

Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive way of demanding that things and the way you do things shall be perfect and precise.

Aiming for perfection can have a high personal cost, it involves multiple negative effects, such as eating disorders, anxiety, or depression.

Especially among young people, the link between perfectionism and suicide risk is alarming.

According to the study, an increasing number of people have been experiencing what the researchers call “multidimensional perfectionism,” which includes perfectionism aimed at themselves, perfectionism aimed at others, and the socially prescribed perfectionism.

While self-oriented perfectionism focuses on extremely high personal standards, other-oriented perfectionism involves that others shall meet high and unmeasured expectations set by us.

In addition, the socially prescribed perfectionism implies the perception that other people, or also society at large, impose being perfect and having perfect performances.

Every form of perfectionism has a negative aspect. When the person who aims for perfection fails, especially in the presence of others, they feel a deep sense of guilt and shame because they perceive it as a flaw or, even worse, as a failure.

Moving from being perfectionist to being a bit less perfectionist

We stigmatize ourselves when we fail, so it’s important to learn that failure is acceptable. This is an inevitable reality, as perfection does not apply to human beings.

Therefore:

give yourself permission to develop more realistic and flexible expectations;

keep your perspective and focus on what you are passionate about;

if you think, or have been told, that you are in a critical situation, do not hesitate to ask for professional help;

recognize that there is also meaning in failure, because you can learn from it.

To conclude, remember that to invent the light bulb, 2000 attempts were necessary!

What do you think about perfectionism? Do you recognise yourself in one category of perfectionism?

illuminated light bulb — Light Bulb – Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

How and Why You Need to Learn to Take Better Care of Yourself

The education we have received has taught us that we must treat well the others. But why the others and not ourselves?

Are you your own worst critic? Do you sometimes insult yourself for something you did wrong or wanted to do better? Do you eat poorly, sleep little, abuse of harmful substances (alcohol, tobacco)? Or are you simply worried about pleasing others? Know that you are not alone. This is a common problem and normal to a certain extent. Because of this, it would be useful to pay attention to some daily details to learn how to look better after yourself.

As I was saying before, we have not been taught to take good care of ourselves. We put often aside our well-being. How many times have your parents told you to look well after the others or do things for the others? How many times, on the other hands, have you been told that you must also take care of yourself?

The way you look after yourselves is a kind of extension of what you have learned from your parents, teachers or caregivers.

For a very young person this may seem exaggerated, as some basic principles of self-esteem are taught in schools today. Some parents also try to instil some self-care virtues in their children.

However, for an adult or elderly person, taking care of themselves well and being truly respectful of themselves is not always something they have consciously internalized. In the past, it was not so easy to find someone who could help you cultivate a certain self-love without it being considered selfish.

In fact, this is precisely the basis: self-love, not to be confused with narcissism or egocentrism. To better understand this concept, we can first imagine what we do when we really love someone: we seek their happiness, we help them, we try to make them feel good, and we accept them as they are, with all their imperfections and qualities. Actually, looking well after yourself means really accepting yourself for who you are.

Becoming kind towards yourself, means understand yourself, especially when you face failures and mistakes.

That attitude can be a great ally. You can challenge yourselves in a healthy way, taking into account your possibilities, your desires, and not the desires that others have for you.

The use of language is very important to achieve the goal of taking good care of yourself. It is common, and to some extent normal, that on some occasions you speak “badly” to yourself, you do it unconsciously. You cannot talk to yourself always in a loving way, as you could enter into toxic positivity (when a positive attitude is used to mask negative emotions, namely pretending that all is well when it is not).

However, you must not use words that hurt yourself. Nobody insults those who truly love, right? Talking to yourself and thinking badly about some personal aspects (physical or mental), and constantly reiterating it, can in the end make you really believe it.

Taking care of yourself is essential. This implies developing a healthier and more suitable lifestyle. Sleeping and resting enough hours, for example, as well as eating well based on our weight, age and lifestyle, not abusing alcohol or tobacco, are all ways to take care of yourself. Taking time to relax, reconnect with what you really like to do, keep your hobbies, follow your passions and interact with people who bring you something positive in your life means being respectful of yourself.

What about you? Do you take good care of yourself?

Why nostalgia is important

Nostalgia is a shield against existential challenges. Evoking positive experiences and feelings from the past can help you cope better with the present and the future.

Nostalgia is a rear view mirror that reflects a particular feeling of a time or place or an emotion that happened in the past. It could be the memory of your first love, a yellowed photograph found by chance, or an object that reminds you of something. The Internet can help make you nostalgic. With one click you can find, for example, the soundtrack of a pleasant moment you lived.

Today, experts tell us that nostalgia is a complex emotion, above all, but not always, positive, which can give you greater sensitivity and can help you understand the present.

The word nostalgia was invented in 1680 by a student (Johannes Hofer) from the University of Basel who combined the Greek word nóstos (homecoming) and algia (suffering). He described it as the pain that the Swiss soldiers felt in battle and that they wanted to go home.

Current studies distinguish nostalgia from melancholy because it has a stimulating effect and does not cause symptoms of illness, rather it tries to fight them.

Could it be said that nostalgia is a source of resilience and wellbeing?

Researchers from the University of Southampton (UK) have observed that nostalgia is a vital component of mental health that motivates us and increases our self-esteem.

Nostalgia also represents a reservoir of emotions that you can consciously access and which you unconsciously use in your daily life to reinforce the feelings of your past that help you cope with the present and the future.

But remember that the past can be recalled but cannot come back. Nostalgia does not give you back what you have lost but it helps you to better manage the life you are living.

Do you think nostalgia helps you with managing your life?