In life it happens sometimes that the difficulties are transformed into problems and that the efforts necessary to solve the complexities that life presents to us are important and sometimes last a long time. Sometimes we feel discouraged, and we feel like saying “Enough, I can’t take it any longer, when will it end?”. That’s how we lose trust in life.
Those who know the universal law of alternation continue to have confidence in life, whatever happens because they know that everything is change, renewal and impermanence. They were able to observe that an expansion necessarily follows a contraction and that after dark the light returns. They are aware that one day things will change, and that life will make them smile again.
The guides who accompany the great expeditions in Kilimanjaro, one of the highest mountains in the world, use a Swahili expression to comfort fatigued walkers: “Polé, polé”, which means “slowly, slowly, one step at a time”.
Without interpreting what happens to us or projecting ourselves into a future that we do not know, we are left with only the concrete possibility of welcoming our moments of misfortune, without resisting them, because all the efforts will only cause loss of energy.
So, go ahead, keep on with trust in life, and slowly, slowly, one step at a time, you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
1995, Pittsburgh, USA. MacArthur Wheeler breaks into a bank for a robbery. But strangely, he acts with his face uncovered… and smells very strong lemon! Easily identified thanks to surveillance cameras, he is arrested the same evening.
So why didn’t Wheeler cover his face like all robbers do?
Wheeler thought having a great idea: lemon juice could serve as invisible ink to write secret messages, therefore it could be used to become invisible to the cameras if he would spray his face.
This piece of news intrigues two psychologists, Daniel Dunning and Justin Kruger: how can people be so sure of themselves when they obviously know nothing?
To find an answer, the two psychologists set up a small experiment. They submit tests (humorist, grammatical, and logical reasoning) to groups of people and then ask them to self-assess. As a result, the people who have failed their tests the most are also those who feel they have done the best.
This is the “Dunning-Kruger effect“,also called the overconfidence effect: when you are not competent in a field, you do not recognize this incompetence and you are even strongly tempted to overestimate your own abilities!
Wheeler the robber,who thought being an expert in becoming invisible, was probably a victim of this psychological bias which can also do damage in other fields. For example, if in the workplace, very self-confident incompetents get promoted instead of competent but more discreet colleagues, this can generate stress, a sense of injustice and demotivation within a team.
In short, it can make relationships between colleagues as acid as lemon!
Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive lifestyle that has a high personal cost and can lead to anxiety or depression. Sometimes it hides a low self-esteem. That is why perfectionism is not healthy.
Being perfect means that you do not have imperfections, defects, or weaknesses. For some of us, perfectionism might seem an advantage, especially if it is referred to the work place. If you want to be successful, you should set high standards, have attention to details, and dedication.
However, this is a myth. Perfectionism does not mean to do things well.
Perfectionism affects people of all ages and lifestyles, and it is on the rise among students. An research in which 41,641 British, Canadian and American universities were included between 1989 and 2016, showed an increase in the percentage of young people who feel they need to aim for perfection to achieve their academic and professional goals.
Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive way of demanding that things and the way you do things shall be perfect and precise.
Aiming for perfection can have a high personal cost, it involves multiple negative effects, such as eating disorders, anxiety, or depression.
Especially among young people, the link between perfectionism and suicide risk is alarming.
According to the study, an increasing number of people have been experiencing what the researchers call “multidimensional perfectionism,” which includes perfectionism aimed at themselves, perfectionismaimed at others, and the socially prescribed perfectionism.
While self-oriented perfectionism focuses on extremely high personal standards, other-oriented perfectionism involves that others shall meet high and unmeasured expectations set by us.
In addition, the socially prescribed perfectionism implies the perception that other people, or also society at large, impose being perfect and having perfect performances.
Every form of perfectionism has a negative aspect. When the person who aims for perfection fails, especially in the presence of others, they feel a deep sense of guilt and shame because they perceive it as a flaw or, even worse, as a failure.
Moving from being perfectionist to being a bit less perfectionist
We stigmatize ourselves when we fail, so it’s important to learn that failure is acceptable. This is an inevitable reality, as perfection does not apply to human beings.
Therefore:
give yourself permission to develop more realistic and flexible expectations;
keep your perspective and focus on what you are passionate about;
if you think, or have been told, that you are in a critical situation, do not hesitate to ask for professional help;
recognize that there is also meaning in failure, because you can learn from it.
To conclude, remember that to invent the light bulb, 2000 attempts were necessary!
Life is constant change, Buddha and Aristotle already said it: change is a fact of life. But change has also been accelerating in recent decades. Massive disruption across the social, technological, political and environmental dimensions of our lives means that we are constantly trying to figure out how best to manage uncertainty. And for someone it can be scary.
The origin of this fear can be found in biology. Our brain is the result of two and a half million years of evolution. We have lived in caves much longer than we have in cities. This means that we have “coded” automatic responses to successfully respond to everyday threats.
If absurdly you see a tiger walking down the street, you would not try to understand what breed it is but you would rather try to escape as quickly as possible (flight). Another codified reaction would be to stay still, hoping that the tiger will not see you (freeze). The last possible reaction would be to fight it (fight), with very, very limited chances of success, so your brain would immediately discard it.
Flight, Freeze or Fight are the three primal reactions to events that we perceive as dangerous to our safety.
However, the wonderful circuits that have allowed us to evolve as a species are not suited to addressing the most subtle threats of our age, such as digitization, the pandemic or the risk of losing your job.
These fears are evolutionarily new and are not always easy to manage.
Remember that the brain is designed for your survival, not your happiness. Therefore, to face changes, you have to understand them as opportunities and learn from the potentials they entail. Moreover, this is not as automatic as running away from something dangerous. On the contrary, it takes effort and training.
Let us see how you could get started by following these four tips.
1. First of all, it is important to train your mind daily. Just as you go to the gym or practice by yourself, you need to keep your brain muscle in shape. Try to do something different every day. For example, you could change sources of information when reading the news (also useful to understand various points of view), change your route to go to work, or try a new dish.
2. Second, you can try to consider what happens to you in a different manner. For instance, a good way is reading history to realize that although we live in an age where changes happen very fast, all these progresses have allowed us, for example, to increase our life expectancy.
3. Third, try to disconnect from technology and reconnect with yourself and your surroundings. If you are always immersed in the digital world, you will not have time to integrate learning and to find a certain and needed tranquility. For example, one day during the weekend or on vacation you can put your mobile in the “don’t disturb” mode.
4. Fourth, trust. If you look at the difficulties that you have already faced in the past, you will see that now they look easy to you. If you have already been able to overcome challenging situations, why should not you be able to do it now?
As I was saying before, we have not been taught to take good care of ourselves. We put often aside our well-being. How many times have your parents told you to look well after the others or do things for the others? How many times, on the other hands, have you been told that you must also take care of yourself?
The way you look after yourselves is a kind of extension of what you have learned from your parents, teachers or caregivers.
For a very young person this may seem exaggerated, as some basic principles of self-esteem are taught in schools today. Some parents also try to instil some self-care virtues in their children.
However, for an adult or elderly person, taking care of themselves well and being truly respectful of themselves is not always something they have consciously internalized. In the past, it was not so easy to find someone who could help you cultivate a certain self-love without it being considered selfish.
In fact, this is precisely the basis: self-love, not to be confused with narcissism or egocentrism. To better understand this concept, we can first imagine what we do when we really love someone: we seek their happiness, we help them, we try to make them feel good, and we accept them as they are, with all their imperfections and qualities. Actually, looking well after yourself means really accepting yourself for who you are.
Becoming kind towards yourself, means understand yourself, especially when you face failures and mistakes.
Photo by Klimkin on Pixabay
That attitude can be a great ally. You can challenge yourselves in a healthy way, taking into account your possibilities, your desires, and not the desires that others have for you.
The use of language is very important to achieve the goal of taking good care of yourself. It is common, and to some extent normal, that on some occasions you speak “badly” to yourself, you do it unconsciously. You cannot talk to yourself always in a loving way, as you could enter into toxic positivity (when a positive attitude is used to mask negative emotions, namely pretending that all is well when it is not).
However, you must not use words that hurt yourself. Nobody insults those who truly love, right? Talking to yourself and thinking badly about some personal aspects (physical or mental), and constantly reiterating it, can in the end make you really believe it.
Taking care of yourself is essential. This implies developing a healthier and more suitable lifestyle. Sleeping and resting enough hours, for example, as well as eating well based on our weight, age and lifestyle, not abusing alcohol or tobacco, are all ways to take care of yourself. Taking time to relax, reconnect with what you really like to do, keep your hobbies, follow your passions and interact with people who bring you something positive in your life means being respectful of yourself.
Paris, 2004. A young man comes out from a building with a smile on his face. He applied for a traineeship and had just finished his interview that did not go as expected.
The young man, named Héritier, is 22 years old and came from Angola at the age of 8, running away from a civil war. He did not speak French but did everything to learn all well in school, also helped by his family and friends. After his degree, he started to look for small jobs, to contribute to the family budget.
He applied for a internship with a cleaning company. The employer, although they found that Héritier had an atypical profile, was very interested in the boy’s dynamism and the interview lasted about 5 hours!
At the end of the interview, Héritier did not get the internship but his first job contract. The company was just established and was looking for young talents like Héritier, who in short time reached the top of his career within the company.
He decided then to go further to make his dream come true. He wanted to create his own company and started up a cleaning company that would use only organic products.
Photo by Thepixelman on Pixabay
In those years, his career looked interesting to the media because it reflected a reality that was still unknown: the economical contribution produced by migrants in the country that welcomed them.
With his company, Héritier has generated a turnover of 100.000 euros during the first year, a figure that tripled over the following three years.
Héritier managed to find his way thanks to his commitment and determination to succeed.
Have you ever wanted to reinvent your life? Have you tried several times but failed? Reinventing yourself professionally or personally can be a challenge but also a great adventure. Follow these 6 steps to succeed.
First step: find or wake up one of your passion.
Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash
Concluding one phase and starting another one is not easy. Reinventing yourself requires more commitment than a simple change. Consequences may impact vital aspects of your daily life and a lot of courage and determination are needed.
The pandemic phase has forced all of us to look within and it is possible that many of us are dealing with the need of reinventing ourselves. There will be some who feel empty and need to do something to fill the empty spaces, others who have been forced to reinvent themselves due to the loss of a family member or a friend, others due to difficulties with their work.
For one reason or another, these are times when you need to stop to reflect and make decisions. Let’s see how to deal with this situation.
Reinventing yourself in a satisfactory way presupposes confronting yourself with one of the most uncomfortable emotions that exist: fear. You will be forced to leave your comfort zone and take a leap in the dark. The best antidote to fear is passion. It is the first success factor in a “reinvention” phase. Finding your passion, or awakening it, is only possible if you are honest with yourself. You have to ask yourself questions like:
who I really am;
what I want to do;
which of my passions can help me in this moment.
An honest reflection and re-discovery your old dreams are the fundamental ingredients to neutralize fear and not fearing the future.
The second factor that will help you is not to assess uncertainty as a danger but as an opportunity. It is a question of letting go nostalgia and opening up to the experience of the “new”, so that to focus on what you want and not on what you fear.
To achieve this, you must be willing to learn with humility. If you think you already know everything, it is difficult to be able to start over in any area of your life in a satisfactory way. The success of those who are successful is only the tip of the iceberg, behind there are hours and hours of training and mistakes that are barely seen.
Facing the future and uncertainty also requires a great deal of creativity and imagination. When reinventing yourself, it is important to keep a compass to map the path you are taking. The future is not written anywhere, it is up to you to create it and to do so you need our imagination and hard work.
Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash
Reinventing yourself means knowing yourself from another perspective and being surprised by the opportunities that suddenly begin to present themselves. If we want your new self to be successful, you need to go out and make yourself known. For this, it is essential to strengthen your network of contacts.
The final ingredient for your success is to be self-confident, because you are capable of doing things you do not even imagine. But you need to learn to use the resources you have and find others available around you.
To conclude, here are the six ingredients to successfully reinvent yourself:
What needs to be done? fill out the application and enclose the résumé.
Regardless of the length of life, a résumé is best kept short.
concise, well-chosen facts are de rigueur. Landscapes are replaced by addresses, shaky memories give way to unshakable dates.
Of all your loves, mention only the marriage; of all your children, only those who were born.
Who knows you matters more than whom you know. Trips only if taken abroad. Memberships in what but without why. Honors, but not how they were earned.
Write as if you’d never talked to yourself and always kept yourself at arm’s length.
Pass over in silence your dogs, cats, birds, dusty keepsakes, friends, and dreams.
Price, not worth, and title, not what’s inside. His shoe size, not where he’s off to, that one you pass off as yourself. In addition, a photograph with one ear showing. What matters is its shape, not what it hears. What is there to hear, anyway? The clatter of paper shredders.
Photo by Thomas Renaud on Unsplash
Translated from the Polish by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh
2019 is almost over and we will want to make a balance of what has been for us the closing year. Our successes, the difficulties we faced, what we would have liked but did not happen, what we would do differently. But is is also the time to think at the coming new year, what we would like to do, new projects, new perspectives. Maybe you could think at a meaningful phrase that you would transform into a mantra to take it with you all along the year, reminding you about the intentions you set but that you may forget.
I have chosen this Indian proverb. I know, the elephant is a big animal, very big indeed, it will be very difficult to move it! But I may look for someone to help me and then with a joint effort we could make it!
What about you? Would you think about choosing a leitmotiv for 2020!
We are still in January and many of us have decided about their objectives for 2019, the so-called resolutions. The new year brings with itself the desire of change, the need of renewal. We would like to spend more time with the family, to take that trip that we have been dreaming about for so long, to change job, to enrol in a gym club, to lose weight, to stop smoking…the main goal is feeling better with themselves and with the others. Why does it happen then that along the way we forget about them or we abandon them?
Here are some questions you should ask yourself.
Are your objectives too much ambitious, vague or simply they are too many? In this case you are putting too much pressure to yourself. If you have decided to stop smoking or to lose 10 kilos, you must ask yourself why you have started smoking and why you are always hungry. Are they not ways for relieving the so many daily tensions?
Are you positive in comparison to the achievement of your objectives? If you think that you will never make it, it is sure that you will never make it. Henry Ford used to say: “If you believe you can make it or if you believe you cannot make it, you will be always right”.
Is your goal appealing? You have decided to lose weight or to stop smoking. As such, they are great objectives. But find a bigger reason for which you want to achieve these objectives. For instance, you want to stop smoking for being able to recover breath faster when you go jogging or you want to lose weight to put again on those beautiful pants that suited you very well.
Bad habits are difficult to lose, above all you need time. As I said before, if you have been sticking to them for years, you have your good reasons (to protect you from stress, for example). You cannot change your habits in some weeks. Some time ago, studies told us that you can take up a new habit in 21 days. Now, neuroscience has found out that you need at least 60 days! Take you your time then, establish a new habit with calm, don’t stretch your body too far, your body is comfortably used to the old habit and it doesn’t feel like to replace it. You must make it understand, day after day, that another way is possible and it is also healthier!
Besides, remember that the path won’t be always linear and you may find obstacles. There will be some easiest moments then others but losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the war. Accept the ups and downs: your body will learn to adapt slowly.
Choose an objective that won’t sound like an obligation, in the sense that it must represent a real choice, a thing that you want to do, not that you must do. Control your thoughts, remember what Henry Ford said. Don’t focus on what you still have to achieve, but celebrate what you have already achieved. List the small victories and congratulate yourself. Stay positive!
Think about the strength that a seed has to become grass. It must come out from the soil to be able to live and flourish. It works slowly under the soil, up to when one day it comes out and sees the light! For you it is a kind of the same thing. Work slowly and one day you will see the results, because you are stronger than you think.
And now the four tips:
1. set one objective at the time, but define it well, use the SMART model (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time bound). Even though this model has been created for organisations, it may be helpful also to individuals engaged in goal setting.
2. Adopt the strategy of small steps by dividing your objective in some smaller objectives.
3.
Celebrate achievements: the first kilo you have lost, the first whole day
without smoking. Put some post-it all over your place with your success on it.
Tell yourself “Well done!”.
4. Inform your family and friends about your goals and ask them to help you with this. Getting their support will help you in achieving the results. Look for some groups on Facebook that share your same goals, participate in forums on the Internet. Remember that you are not alone, there are other thousands of people that may have your same goals and exchanging ideas with them can be helpful to you. You can create yourself a blog, that can become your journal (a journal on paper is also okay).
Always
remember that you are stronger than you believe!
Crisbie Coach 