Beliefs – Crisbie Coach

How To Live the Life You Want

Albert Ellis (1913-2007), an American psychologist, developed his own method: Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). The basic principle of this therapy can be summed up in this sentence taken by Epictetus: “People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” According to Ellis, by finding and changing your irrational beliefs, which are a source of suffering, you can free up yourselves from your internal chains and finally lead the life you want.

Here are 5 tips that you can use depending on the area that you deem most “urgent” (couple, work, family, etc.) in which toxic beliefs are active and, therefore, need to be addressed.

Stop using of the verb “must”. Ellis calls this belief the “musts”. Must-haves can generate emotional disturbances, which prevent you from connecting to your deepest and truest needs and desires. In addition, they also prevent you from finding the resources you need to pass over difficult times. Examples of some thoughts resulting from this belief are: “I have to do everything well otherwise others will not appreciate me (meaning, if others do not like me, I am worthless)”; “The others have to do exactly as I want”. “Circumstances must allow me to get what I want and how I want it”. Whenever you feel trapped in a situation, the “musts” are at work. Identifying them allows you to weaken their negative charge and slowly you will be able to let them go.
Choose your words wisely (remember that words are bricks that build walls, also within you). The words you use not only reveal your way of thinking but also guide your behaviour. How you interpret what happens to you and how you project yourself into an event that has yet to happen affects your emotional state. This generates emotions that reinforce your beliefs. Rather than repeating over and over that you are not lucky or that you are worthless, it is better to say that you did your best, that perhaps you have not been careful or that you were not aware of that thing or fact, but that you will do everything possible to do it better next time. It is not about using the magic wand, but about betting on what helps you move forward rather than following your negative and useless beliefs.
Dare to think about yourself. It is not about thinking only about yourself or thinking of yourself as opposed to others. Judgments, conformism and projections from others (parents, family, friends, society) take you away from what makes you feel good. Ellis believed in the power of determination, even knowing the weight of the unconscious and personal history. He invited his patients to identify areas of life that made them feel good and wanted them to focus on those. We all want to be accepted, recognized for our worth, but sometimes it is necessary to put aside these desires of gratification. You shall focus on what makes the most sense to you, what you feel is the condition for a happy life according to your happiness standards.
Stop blaming yourself. Are you ruining your life by saying “I should have” or “I could have”? Are you spinning around like a hamster on its wheel? Reproaches against yourself represent real sterile and negative self-flagellations. If you have made a mistake, even a serious one, let the guilt go away and then evaluate two rational and productive options: apologize and repair the “damage”. By apologizing, you face the reality and assume your responsibilities. Repairing, on the other hand, allows you to get back into a position of action and makes you regain self-esteem. Stopping self-scolding also helps you take the reins of your life back and move on. If you have made a mistake and you are the victim, it’s just as important to learn to forgive yourself and learn the lesson for the next time.
Laugh more often. Laughing allows you to take distance, to play down, to hold on and to create an environment that is conducive to exchange and sharing around you. Look at the crazy side of situations (there always is), listen to humorists, watch comedies. Laughing is contagious, you know. As soon as you see that you are being a know-it-all, that you want to give lessons, that you are becoming fussy or that you are complaining, stop it! Remember that people do not like when you are like that. Moreover, you might be suffering of stress toxic effects, as you would fail to identify what is important from what is not and, finally, you would be a victim of a perfectionism that may ruin your life and, sometime, even that of the others.

Do you think that any of these tips may help you with your life?

The Magic of Synchronicity

You miss the train and on the quay you meet the love of your life. You receive money in the exact moment you need it: this is the magic of synchronicity; they are coincidences that sometimes leave you speechless and let you see a new path.

What Is Synchronicity?

Psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung brought us the term “synchronicity,” which literally means “falling together in time.” Synchronicity describes the surprise that occurs when a thought in the mind is mirrored by an external event to which it has no apparent causal connection.

Read this story told by Jung to understand what synchronicity is about.

A young woman of high education and serious demeanour entered Jung’s office. Jung could see that her quest for psychological change was doomed unless he was able to succeed in softening her rationalist shell with “a somewhat more human understanding.” He needed the magic of coincidence. He asked for it, searched his surroundings for it. He remained attentive to the young woman, while hoping something unexpected and irrational would turn up.

As she described a golden scarab—a costly piece of jewellery—she had received in a dream the night before, he heard a tapping on the window. He looked and saw a gold-green glint. Jung opened the window to coincidence. He plucked the scarab beetle out of the air. The beetle, closely resembling to the golden scarab, was just what he needed—or just what she needed. “Here is your scarab,” he said to the woman, as he handed her a link between her dreams and the real world.

A synchronic event goes beyond mere coincidence because it has a transforming power, which marks a before and after in your personal history.

In order to notice synchronicity, you need to develop attention and spirit of observation.

If you begin to notice with curiosity what happens to you during the day, your everyday life would become a joyful space of possibility and opportunity.

Hidden or obvious, these ephemeral messages are so precious that they deserve our full attention. You will see that then, the more you notice these significant coincidences, the more they multiply and will help you get out of your routine. Moreover, you will be headed for something new. By changing your perspective, you will also be able to make your reality move.

Try one of these games and see what feelings you get.

Here is the first one that is called Bibliomancy.

Write down a question in a notebook or a sheet.
Pick up your favourite book, or the book that is nearest to you. Note down its title.
Close your eyes, and open up randomly the book.
Before opening your eyes, run your hands along the page and point with one finger at a random line.
Open your eyes and read the sentence or paragraph. Note down the page number and line number.
Consider what implication the passage you pointed to has on the question you posed, and write down some reflections.

Here is another one, that I call “The Sidewalk Observation Game”. Even with this game you can get an unexpected message by putting you in touch with a symbol or situation.

Start by writing down a question. Walk with your senses in full alert and notice all the details. For example, catch some elements of a conversation between two people you cross during your walk, read an advertisement, look at a graffiti or a newspaper left on a bench. These are signs that can help you find the answer to your question.

Even slips or dysgraphia can be a clue to explore. For example, I often write massage instead of message. I think I may need to get a massage …

These tips come to you so that you can open doors and not close them. They offer you the opportunity to enjoy meaningful experiences with enthusiasm and enjoyment and to abandon the plans established by your ego.

In this way, you have the opportunity to connect to the collective unconscious because you adhere to positive and non-blocking beliefs. The more you pay attention to synchronicity, the more your neurological and emotional circuits are positively stimulated and they create new behavioural patterns, installs beneficial habits that connect you with the consciousness of the universe.

The time of synchronicity

As the Greek root of this word shows, synchronicity refers to time (syn means meeting and chronos means time). The ancient Greeks conceived synchronicity in three distinct ways: the chronos, which corresponds to a linear flow; the aion, or the endless cycles; the kairos, that is the right moment to act.

In the Greek mythology there is the winged god Kairos. When Kairos passes by there are three possibilities:

You don’t see him;
You see him but you do nothing;
In the moment he passes by you give him your hand to grasp the chance he is offering you.

In practice, synchronicity is telling you carpe diem, namely seize the moment.

What do you do when Kairos passes by next to you ?

August Blues

I look forward August with impatience as for me it represents the top of summer time, that is my favourite period of the year. July prepares myself to August that comes full of expectations and good intentions.

However, at the end of the summer I find myself dealing with what I have actually achieved and I am not always happy with the results.

It happens that often my expectations are misaligned with reality and this causes me frustration and distress that reaches its top at the end of the summer. The idea of not having enjoyed the summer period as I wanted and the thought of the “going back to work” around the corner might turn the last days of vacation into moments of anxiety and suffering.

The August melancholy is known as “August Blues”, the boredom and the dissatisfaction that may become a real malaise of the season.

Therefore, this year I decided to anticipate it and I identified four suggestions so to avoid being overwhelmed by it:

spending time outdoors: natural light, fresh air and nature help psychophysical well-being and allow us to look at situation with more detachment and serenity;
thinking about the positive moments: we all have had for sure beautiful experiences that brought us some benefits, even though small ones. They will help us to add value to the time spent. Sometimes our mind plays with us and makes us not very objective;
scheduling your time: we are all different and there are people who can go back to work straight after their flight back home but there are others who need some time to recover from the shock of returning home from holidays. Listen to your needs and plan your time accordingly;
last but not least, show awareness: learning to recognize the first signs of your distress will help you to manage it better and to prevent it from overwhelming you.

What about you? Have you ever experienced the August Blues?

Dispel Those 7 Beliefs About Solutions For Heatwaves

During heatwaves like the one we are going through, being in fresh areas, not going out during the central hours of the day and drinking lot of water (not iced water) is surely recommended. However, there are practices that are bad ideas, wrong beliefs and that you should avoid.

Photo by Massimiliano Martini on Unsplash

I do not feel hungry so I do not eat. During periods of strong heat, it is recommended to eat foods with a high water content, such as strawberries (in Belgium we still have them and they are very good!), cucumbers, watermelon, melon, salad, courgettes, tomatoes and peppers. Everything that the summer season offers us. Nature always provide us with the best solution for every period of the year. You can also eat sorbets, yoghurt and white cheese. What you must avoid are fatty meals, because the digestion of fats involves an effort of the body that increases body temperature and consequently the perceived heat.
Using the air conditioning at its maximum power. Using air conditioning is recommended but the temperature must be adjusted to a maximum of 10 degrees C lower than the outside one. Of course, if the outside temperature is 40 degrees C, 30 will be still a high temperature. However, a big gap between the outside and the insider temperatures weakens the body. And don’t forget to clean the filters.
Drinking very hot drinks. A legend tells that people living in the desert use to drink very hot teas to fight the heat. However, this is not necessarily a good idea, actually it is what it is: a legend. The body temperature is around 37 degrees. Consuming a hotter drink would mean forcing the body to sweat and therefore going forward dehydration to eliminate the accumulated heats. Ideally, you should drink liquids between 12 and 14 degrees C.
While sleeping, directing the fan to your face. A person who directs the fan towards the face in the morning will have dry nose, mouth and eyes. This is likely to give you a headache but you will definitely have a stuffy nose. It is recommended to put the fan a little further away from the bed and not to direct it to your face.
Drink at least three litres of water a day. Actually, drinking a quantity of water between one and a half and two litres is more than enough. In case of over consumption the body will be forced to eject more through sweating or peeing, in this latter case overloading the kidneys.
Nothing better than a beer to stay hydrated. Actually, alcohol dehydrates. If you drink a glass of beer, you must then drink water to compensate for the loss of water. Coffee and tea are also drinks that you do not want to drink too often for the same reason. Obviously, all carbonated and sugar-containing drinks are absolutely to be avoided.
I wait for being thirsty before drinking. When you feel thirsty, it is already late. Your body is warning you that you have lost water. Experts recommend drinking small amounts of water often rather than a lot of water in a few moments of the day. It is important to keep the body hydrated throughout the day to avoid headaches, dizziness or feelings of fatigue.

And you, what habits have you adopted to fight heat waves like that one of this summer?

Would More Money Make You Happier?

Markus Persson, a Swedish 36-year-old business man, spends his time on Twitter, where he talks about his life and that of his company. One day, he twitted something that will change his life.

Markus created in 2009 the video game called Minecraft, a kind of virtual Lego game that has become a social phenomenon. But, all of a sudden, he ends up getting tired of running his business, Mojang.

So, one evening in June 2014, he announced on Twitter that he would sell Mojang. In no time one IT giant contacted him and bought it for 2.5 billion dollars (2.2 billion euros).

On permanent vacation or lying in his luxury villa, he continues to tell about his life on Twitter: he complains that he no longer sees his friends, that parties in Ibiza have become boring…to make a long story short, he gets depressed.

Markus may be the victim of what is called the “Easterlin Paradox“, after the name of the economist who demonstrated it. Richard Easterlin has observed over several years that while the per capita income in the US increased, the proportion of people saying being “very happy” did not increase at the same time.

Later, other researchers found that the more money you made, the happier you felt but there was a limit: up to 75,000 dollars (about 68,000 euros) per year per household. Over this amount of money, the extra money would not make you happier!

Markus earned far more than 75,000 dollars but he has no friends, no plans for the future, and he is also depressed. He even ends up arguing with lots of people on Twitter, making comments deemed racist and misogynist.

As a result, in 2019 the big IT company who bought his business does not invite him to the 10 year anniversary of Minecraft, and deleted his name from the credits of the game. Markus gained a lot of money, but he also lost a lot.

Do you agree with the Easterlin Paradox? Would you be happier with more money? Would 75,000 dollars be enough to have a happy life? In my case, I would be definitely happy with 75,000 dollars a year!

Understanding Karma

Karma is one of the most known concepts of Buddhism. At the same time, it is also one of the least understood. You may hear speaking about having a good or a bad karma without really knowing what it is about.

What is karma then?

Karma is a Sanskrit word meaning “act” or “action”. According to Buddhism, karma is a cause-and-effect law: to each action corresponds a reaction. For Buddhists karma is part of the natural forces of the universe, such as the gravity force, for instance. According to the principle of karma, all our actions, thoughts and intentions create energy: they are causes that have consequences. If we let go positive energy, we will receive positive energy. At the same way, if you send negative energy to the world, you may get problems and difficulties. Karma is simply an echo of what we do, say and think.

This does not mean that karma takes revenge! Karma does not take revenge when we emit negative waves. However, this is the general Western understanding of karma. We think that it is a kind of punishment from the universe for our bad deeds of the past. But karma does not work that way, it is neither a revenge nor a justice. Karma is reflected energy.

How to live according to karma.

To create a good karma, you have to send positive vibrations to the world. This does not necessarily mean that you have to donate all you savings to an NGO or quit your job to work as a volunteer. It is the small gesture of daily generosity that count, such us giving up your seat on the bus, inviting that friend you have not seen for a while to drink something, or helping a colleague in difficulty.

Do not forget to express gratitude when others take care of you. What matters is to act selflessly, not to expect anything in return. Simply appreciate doing a good deed without a hidden agenda, even if you just keep the door open for your neighbour.

Do you think you spread positive energy?

Senbazuru: How 1000 Origami Cranes Can Let Happiness Unfold

Folding 1000 origami cranes is believed to bring good fortune. Today, this ancient Japanese practice has spread around the world, embodying faith, hope and peace.

According to an ancient Japanese belief, folding 1000 paper cranes can bring good fortune in your life. According to the legend, the crane may live for a thousand years; each paper crane represents one year in the majestic bird’s life. After you complete 1000 origami cranes, your wish will become truth. The 1000 origami cranes suspended in the air are often made by groups of people who join forces to achieve this goal. This tradition often supports a good cause or a special occasion like a marriage. The latter is popular with the Japanese American community, which assigns meanings to different colours: red is love, white is purity, gold is wealth, green is health, yellow is creativity, blue is loyalty, and purple is spirituality.

The custom has spread all over the world thanks to Sadako Sasaki, who was just two years old when the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima. She developed leukaemia and, inspired by the senbazuru story, began folding cranes – first for her health, then, when she realised that she would not survive, for world peace. She made 644 origami, and her family and classmates completed the task and folded the missing cranes in her honour. To remember Sadako and the other children victims of the nuclear bomb, the Children’s Peace Monument has been built within the Hiroshima’s Peace Memorial Park. Around 10 million paper cranes are sent to the monument from all around the world every year – proof of how Sadako’s message of peace has widely flown, and an example of how one person can make a difference.

Enjoy a Moment of Paper-folding

The beauty of origami is not only a practice. Ultimately, you will make something personal that you can give to someone you care about. Moreover, not only you can share the physical gift of origami, but also you can use the making process to think of your beloved ones.

What do you think about it? Would you try it?

The Challenges of Communicating Across Cultures

I live and work in an real multicultural environment.

The city where I live is Brussels that hosts about 150 different nationalities. The place I work with is the European Commission where all the 28 European Union nationalities are represented.

Sometimes it is difficult to communicate to each other, as you have to pay much attention to other’s sensitivity, emotions and feelings.

Day after day, I learned that each culture has their own approach to communication.

I found a very interesting the book of the anthropologist Edward Hall, Beyond Culture. He identified the importance of context in communication and raised the attention on the “invisible” type of communication, by which groups of people understand and interpret the world.

The framework proposed by Hall for approaching intercultural communication is high-context and low-context cultures, which refer to the values cultures place on indirect and direct communication.

It is important to note that no culture is completely high-context or low-context, since all societies contain at least some parts that are both high and low. For example, the United States is a low-context culture while doing business, but during family gatherings tend to be high-context.

Let us see now the main features of the two cultural types.

High-Context Cultures

A high-context culture relies on implicit communication and nonverbal cues. In high-context communication, a message cannot be understood without a great deal of background information. Asian, African, Arab, central European and Latin American cultures are generally considered to be high-context cultures.

With people belonging mainly to high-context cultures, you may encounter the following:

Misunderstanding when exchanging information
Impression of a lack of information
Large amount of information is provided in a non-verbal manner, e.g. gestures, pauses, facial expressions
Emphasis on long term relationships and loyalty
Unwritten rules that are taken for granted but can easily be missed.

Low-Context Cultures

A low-context culture relies on explicit communication. In low-context communication, more of the information in a message is spelled out and defined. Cultures like the Germans, Scandinavians, Americans and Australians are generally considered to be low-context cultures.

Dealing with people belonging mainly to low-context cultures, you may find the following:

All meaning is explicitly provided in the message itself
Extensive background information and explanations are provided verbally to avoid misunderstandings
People tend to have short-term relationships
People follow rules and standards closely.

To avoid “diplomatic incidents”, I try to pay much attention to my interlocutor languages and “imitate” them using the technique of the mirror, namely, repeating the body language, the type of words they use, how they overall handle the conversation.

What about you? Which culture do you think you belong to? Which technique do you use to better communicate across cultures?

Lessons Learned from Cats

Most likely you are asking yourself: “What can I learn from cats’. Well, if you have ever lived with a cat, you know that those fury pets that sometimes stare at us have a lot to teach.

They are quiet and discrete animals but they know a little secret that helps them surviving and that made them earn the reputation of having 7 lives.

As you may know, cats walk also for high and narrow passages, jumps from one place to another, as an acrobat would do.

When those behaviors are part of your life, on of your main problem will be falling down.

Knowing that falling down would be a big problem in their life, cats have developed a skill that let them fall safely, regardless from the way they fall.

By falling, they send their back paws to the side so that the front ones will rotate on the opposite side and will touch the ground first.

So, no matter the way they fall because their front paws will touch the ground first and not their back or their head.

Cats have solved a problem by making it irrelevant.

They have made falling irrelevant by accepting that it is part of their life and therefore they don’t care about why and how it happens.

They accepted that falling is something that happens if you walk in weird places or jump all the time. The only thing they do is focusing in making sure that their front paws touch the floor first.

Which lesson can we learn?

Setbacks may occur but in any case, you shall always focus on your goals and your wishes, without dwelling on the obstacles: you will fall on your feet each time.

Life offers you what you need at that moment, even if it doesn’t seem to you. An Italian song by Fiorella Mannoia says:”…Life is perfect also when it seems absurd and complex. It seems inconsistent and stubborn, but when you fall life waits for you…”

This is what successful people do. They fall and get up, without making drama. They jump and walk on high and narrow paths as cats do, but they consider irrelevant if they fall.

So, what is the lesson?

Learn to fall and you will be able to get up without being hurt.

It is all about changing your mentality and believing in your abilities. Over time, you will see that this mentality will prove to be effective because you will be able to make obstacles irrelevant and you will always fall on your feet.

It might seem difficult, but this is the biggest secret of successful people.

Unexpected Things in Life

Every morning at 7, a turkey sees the farmer approaching to feed him. The first mornings it is a bit scared but then it gains confidence until the Thanksgiving day comes…and the turkey is ready for the oven!

This is a cognitive bias or, rather, a bias of induction, that is, a false belief caused by a well-established habit. When you think that something will happen in a certain way because you are used to it, then you believe that that same thing will always happen like that and you don’t think it may change.

Until when it was discovered that black swans existed in Australia, in Europe we used to believe that only white swans existed.

This type of bias has caused (and will continue to cause) a lot of problems to people, including financial ones (think at economical crisis, for instance).

Turkeys and swans remind us that it is better not to take anything for granted as unexpected things in life happen!