words – Crisbie Coach

Albert Ellis and Rational Emotive Therapy: A Path to Emotional Freedom

Among psychologists, few figures stand out as profoundly as Albert Ellis (1913-2007). A visionary American psychologist, Ellis revolutionized the field with his development of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), a method grounded in the idea that our emotional well-being is deeply influenced by the way we interpret the world. At the core of RET is a powerful insight borrowed from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus: “People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.”

Ellis believed that by identifying and altering our irrational beliefs, we could liberate ourselves from the emotional turmoil that often keeps us from living fulfilling lives. This approach to mental health is not just about understanding the mind; it’s about empowering individuals to take control of their emotional destinies. To do this, Ellis offered several guiding principles that can transform how we think, feel, and live.

1. Stop Using the Verb “Must”

One of the first steps in practicing RET is eliminating the word “must” from your vocabulary. Ellis argued that the word “must” creates unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. Phrases like “I must be perfect” or “People must like me” are irrational and set us up for failure and disappointment. These “musts” turn preferences into demands, making us rigid in our thinking and more prone to anxiety and depression when reality doesn’t meet our expectations.

Instead, replace “must” with “would like” or “prefer.” This simple shift in language can dramatically reduce the emotional intensity associated with unmet expectations. It fosters flexibility and resilience, helping you to face life’s challenges with greater ease.

2. Choose Your Words Wisely

Words are powerful. They are the bricks that build the walls within our minds and between us and others. Ellis taught that by choosing our words carefully, we can change the way we feel about ourselves and our situations. Negative self-talk, like calling yourself “stupid” or “a failure,” reinforces harmful beliefs and perpetuates a cycle of self-criticism.

Instead, practice using affirming and realistic language. When faced with a challenge, remind yourself that you can handle that or that you are doing your best. This kind of positive self-talk can help dismantle the mental barriers that keep you stuck in negative patterns.

3. Focus on How You Think About Yourself

Ellis was a firm believer in the power of self-determination. He acknowledged the influence of the unconscious mind and personal history, but he emphasized that we can shape our present and future through conscious thought. How you think about yourself matters more than what has happened to you in the past.

To harness this power, start by challenging negative beliefs about yourself. If you believe you’re not worthy of success, ask yourself why. Is this belief based on facts, or is it an irrational assumption? By dissecting these beliefs, you can begin to replace them with more constructive and empowering thoughts, paving the way for a more fulfilling life.

4. Stop Blaming Yourself

Self-blame is one of the most common—and most damaging—forms of irrational thinking. Ellis pointed out that constantly blaming yourself for things that go wrong is not only unfair but also unproductive. It traps you in a cycle of guilt and shame, preventing you from moving forward.

Instead, adopt a more compassionate mindset. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that these mistakes are growth opportunities, not evidence of your inadequacy. By letting go of self-blame, you can free yourself from the past and focus on creating a better future.

5. Laugh More Often

Humor is a powerful tool in RET. Ellis encouraged people to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life. Laughter can diffuse tension, reduce stress, and provide a fresh perspective on your problems. It reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously and to approach life with a sense of playfulness.

Next time you find yourself spiraling into negative thinking, try to find the humor in the situation. It might not solve the problem, but it can certainly lighten the emotional load.

6. Let Go of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a trap that many of us fall into. The belief that we must be perfect in everything we do is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It leads to chronic dissatisfaction, as no one can meet the impossible standards that perfectionism demands.

Ellis advised against striving for perfection and instead encouraged striving for excellence. Excellence allows room for mistakes and growth, while perfectionism does not. By letting go of the need to be perfect, you can reduce stress, increase your sense of self-worth, and enjoy life more fully.

Take Action Now

Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy is more than just a therapeutic method; it’s a blueprint for living a more authentic, fulfilling life. By applying these principles—eliminating “musts,” choosing your words wisely, focusing on how you think about yourself, letting go of self-blame, laughing more often, and releasing the grip of perfectionism—you can begin to free yourself from the internal chains that hold you back.

Take action today. Reflect on your beliefs, challenge the irrational ones, and start building a life that aligns with your true desires and values. Emotional freedom is within your reach; all it takes is the courage to change your mind.

Do you think these guiding principles outlined by Ellis would help you build the life you want?

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The Power of Reading: Understanding the World Through Words

I received an email inviting me to buy books also containing a phrase that inspired this post: “Why reading teaches us to read”.

I think that this aphorism, if I can call it like that, embodies the profound value of reading in our lives. Reading is not just a pastime; it is a source of knowledge and a powerful tool for interpreting the world around us. Reading empowers us to decipher the world and recognize the stories unfolding beyond the pages of books — those stories that unfold around us daily.

The Power of Reading

Reading is much more than an activity involving words on a page. It is a process that teaches us to decipher the hidden meaning behind the words themselves. It teaches us to read between the lines and capture the details that would escape those who haven’t trained their gaze through reading. However, the power of reading goes far beyond the ability to interpret written words.

Reading gives us the power to read the world around us. It is a medium through which we can better understand the complex dynamics of society, politics, culture, and human nature itself. It allows us to explore different perspectives and connect with the experiences of people we might never encounter in our everyday lives.

In addition to revealing the world through reading, we also learn to recognize stories hidden beyond books. Every day, stories are unfolding around us, often going unnoticed. These stories can be disguised as facts, newspaper headlines, political speeches, or slogans, but also personal stories. Reading equips us with the tools to dig deeper, question what is presented to us, and seek the truth behind appearances.

Choosing What We Read

It’s important to emphasize that reading is not just a matter of quantity but also quality. We should carefully choose what we read. We should seek out engaging, dissenting, and liberating stories that challenge and inspire us. These stories become tools we can use to analyze and better understand the world.

Reading the world may seem like a daunting task, and indeed, it is. The world is a book with an ever-more intricate plot, a narrative that is constantly evolving. But just like a good book, the world offers a wealth of knowledge and adventures. Reading is the key to opening this book, immersing ourselves in its pages, and discovering the secrets and stories it contains.

In conclusion, reading is much more than a pastime; it is a means through which we gain the power to read the world and recognize the stories revealed around us. It is an act of discernment that helps us distinguish what is true from what is distorted or manipulated. Let us choose what we read carefully because every book we open brings us a little closer to understanding the complex novel that is the world.

What kind of books are you more interested in?

Why You Are the Words You Use

The words you use can change your reality. Language actually generates changes in your brains and changes your perception of the environment around you.

Language is linked to emotions. Your words are constantly sending messages to your brain. According to neuroscientists Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman, negative words cause the increase of cortisol, the stress hormone. Therefore, adopting a negative attitude and using phrases like “I cannot do it”, “I will fail” or “it is impossible” could weaken your personal physical and mental health.

Nowadays, many techniques associated with changing the language to treat various psychological disorders are used. An example of this is the cognitive-behavioural therapy, which demonstrate that promoting positive thinking through the language used by the patient improves their mental state.

This therapy aims to replace patients’ negative views about themselves and their surroundings with more positive ones. The applied techniques have proven to be an effective treatment for disorders such as depression, phobias, addictions or anxiety, as the activity of the brain amygdala increases when you perceive a more prosperous future through positive words. On many occasions, these therapies have proven to be as effective as medicines.

Research has shown that the brain improves when you start using three to five positive expressions for each one negative. Language has a powerful ability to change your world. It affects you negatively when you use a poor, defeatist language but it also works the other way around, namely, when you use positive phrases they will help you change your perception of the world.

person doing thumbs up — Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

Start adopting a series of simple but very effective techniques. For example, use “yet” instead of using only “not”. Saying “I cannot do it” is not the same as saying “I cannot do it yet“. “Yet” leaves the doors open, arouses hope, evokes motivation.

You should not use “but” or, at least, you should build your phrases differently. “But” does not have the same effect when you say, “You did a good job, but you gave it to me late” compared to when you say, “You gave it to me late, but you did a good job.”

Tenses also give you a great opportunity to change your emotions. Instead of using the conditional, try using the future. You change a hypothetical scenario for a true one. It is not the same as saying: “When I write a book, I would speak of happiness” rather than “When I write a book, I will speak of happiness”. Doubt lives in the conditional, certainty in the future.

At the same time, you should avoid words like failure, problem, impossible or guilt in your language and replace them by more inspiring words like challenge or responsibility. The latter not only pushes you to grow and open more doors, but also makes you interact better with others.

Words are not harmless. They can build or tear down walls. By changing your language, you will improve your image, as language is a way to reach others. Remember that the words you use also improve the environment around you.

What do you think about the language you use with others?

key with trinket in shabby door — Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

How To Live the Life You Want

Albert Ellis (1913-2007), an American psychologist, developed his own method: Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). The basic principle of this therapy can be summed up in this sentence taken by Epictetus: “People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” According to Ellis, by finding and changing your irrational beliefs, which are a source of suffering, you can free up yourselves from your internal chains and finally lead the life you want.

Here are 5 tips that you can use depending on the area that you deem most “urgent” (couple, work, family, etc.) in which toxic beliefs are active and, therefore, need to be addressed.

Stop using of the verb “must”. Ellis calls this belief the “musts”. Must-haves can generate emotional disturbances, which prevent you from connecting to your deepest and truest needs and desires. In addition, they also prevent you from finding the resources you need to pass over difficult times. Examples of some thoughts resulting from this belief are: “I have to do everything well otherwise others will not appreciate me (meaning, if others do not like me, I am worthless)”; “The others have to do exactly as I want”. “Circumstances must allow me to get what I want and how I want it”. Whenever you feel trapped in a situation, the “musts” are at work. Identifying them allows you to weaken their negative charge and slowly you will be able to let them go.
Choose your words wisely (remember that words are bricks that build walls, also within you). The words you use not only reveal your way of thinking but also guide your behaviour. How you interpret what happens to you and how you project yourself into an event that has yet to happen affects your emotional state. This generates emotions that reinforce your beliefs. Rather than repeating over and over that you are not lucky or that you are worthless, it is better to say that you did your best, that perhaps you have not been careful or that you were not aware of that thing or fact, but that you will do everything possible to do it better next time. It is not about using the magic wand, but about betting on what helps you move forward rather than following your negative and useless beliefs.
Dare to think about yourself. It is not about thinking only about yourself or thinking of yourself as opposed to others. Judgments, conformism and projections from others (parents, family, friends, society) take you away from what makes you feel good. Ellis believed in the power of determination, even knowing the weight of the unconscious and personal history. He invited his patients to identify areas of life that made them feel good and wanted them to focus on those. We all want to be accepted, recognized for our worth, but sometimes it is necessary to put aside these desires of gratification. You shall focus on what makes the most sense to you, what you feel is the condition for a happy life according to your happiness standards.
Stop blaming yourself. Are you ruining your life by saying “I should have” or “I could have”? Are you spinning around like a hamster on its wheel? Reproaches against yourself represent real sterile and negative self-flagellations. If you have made a mistake, even a serious one, let the guilt go away and then evaluate two rational and productive options: apologize and repair the “damage”. By apologizing, you face the reality and assume your responsibilities. Repairing, on the other hand, allows you to get back into a position of action and makes you regain self-esteem. Stopping self-scolding also helps you take the reins of your life back and move on. If you have made a mistake and you are the victim, it’s just as important to learn to forgive yourself and learn the lesson for the next time.
Laugh more often. Laughing allows you to take distance, to play down, to hold on and to create an environment that is conducive to exchange and sharing around you. Look at the crazy side of situations (there always is), listen to humorists, watch comedies. Laughing is contagious, you know. As soon as you see that you are being a know-it-all, that you want to give lessons, that you are becoming fussy or that you are complaining, stop it! Remember that people do not like when you are like that. Moreover, you might be suffering of stress toxic effects, as you would fail to identify what is important from what is not and, finally, you would be a victim of a perfectionism that may ruin your life and, sometime, even that of the others.

Do you think that any of these tips may help you with your life?