We’ve all experienced the disappointment of wanting something and not getting it, especially as children. Such moments often led to crying, which our parents might have labeled as a whim. However, frustration is a common emotion that persists throughout life, and our ability to manage it plays a crucial role in our overall success and happiness.
A Zen master encapsulates happiness in a simple formula: happiness is the reality we live minus what we want or hope to achieve. When our desires exceed what we have, we face the dilemma Carl Gustav Jung described: “Life not lived is a disease from which you can die.”
In today’s competitive society, where instant gratification is the norm, frustration is a frequent companion. Another arises as soon as one desire is fulfilled, perpetuating a cycle of longing and dissatisfaction.
Have recent changes in your life affected your sense of well-being? Reflect on the following symptoms to see if frustration has taken hold:
Frequent Melancholy: You often feel sad or downcast.
Increased Irritability: You find yourself more irritable, tense, and stressed. Things that used to be minor annoyances now trigger strong reactions.
Persistent Negative Thoughts: Negative thoughts frequently occupy your mind, draining your energy and sometimes affecting your sleep.
Higher Alcohol and Medication Use: You have increased your consumption of alcohol or medications, often without medical advice.
Desire to Escape: You feel an overwhelming urge to escape your current situation.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward managing frustration. By understanding and addressing these emotions, you can work towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
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I have been receiving Miguel’s emails for some time, cannot really say how long. Recently, I received this article in my mail box that perfectly matches with the purpose of my blog. Actually Miguel, also published a video, in case you prefer watching to reading. Enjoy it!
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
Humans have a natural tendency to gravitate towards negative thinking.
We could assume that tendency is there because it gave our ancestors a small survival advantage.
Those that were happy-go-lucky optimists got eaten by wolves.
Those that were pessimists and hoping for the worst didn’t get eaten as much.
So here we are today with a lizard brain primed to expect the worst.
Although there might be an evolutionary advantage to being pessimistic, living your life pestered by gloomy doomy thoughts is no fun.
The truth is today we live in a much more safe environment than hundreds of thousands of years ago.
It’s very rare for people to succumb to hungry tooth sabre tigers and such.
Yet, we live in a constant state of alert and fear triggered in part by nature only exacerbated by the news and social media.
So how do we escape negative thoughts?
Besides recreational drugs, alcohol, mindless social media binging, and meditation, I dare to propose a new way to lead happier mental lives.
You could think of this method as a thought experiment, a new mental model to deal with pessimistic thinking.
I call it the thought landscape.
Disclaimer: if you have trouble using your imagination or suffer from aphantasia, it won’t be easy to implement this approach.
The concept is quite simple to understand but tricky to master.
It goes like this:
A: There is a large number of thoughts we can have (negative, positive, neutral)
B: However, at any given instant, we can only think of one thing.
C: We can choose what we think at any given instant (focus)
D: Therefore, we can choose to substitute any current thought with any other available thought from A.
These are vast assumptions so let me elaborate a bit on each point.
A: This one everyone should agree. The number of thoughts a human can have is between 0 and Many. Many could be thousands or millions, a lot.
If you have a working brain, A should always be many. 0 is only for dead people.
B: This could be debated. However, we could safely assume that we can only hold one thought at a time. Thinking two thoughts simultaneously is not possible. I.e., you cannot think blue or black simultaneously (“Bluk” is not a colour!)
C: This could be more debatable, but If I tell you to think of a white elephant, usually you’ll think of a white elephant, not of a purple platypus. So you were able to change your thinking deliberately.
D: If the three statements above hold true, then it has to be true that we can control what we think at any given moment.
And if D is true, then it is good news for all of us!
This means that thinking negatively is, for the most part, a choice.
So, if you catch yourself stuck on negative thinking, now you know it’s because you chose to do so.
Great, and then what?
Then you can discard that thought, take a step back and look at what other thoughts are available from A.
The goal of taking this imaginary step back is to gain a new perspective.
Is to gain some altitude and contemplate which other thoughts you could choose from.
In A., we established that there could be many other thoughts you could have.
The range of available thoughts is what I call the thought landscape.
Like a physical landscape, you’ll see valleys and hills.
Photo by Claudio Testa on Unsplash
Now that you’ve momentarily elevated yourself over your thought landscape, it’s time to choose.
What other thoughts do you see that you could choose to think next?
Let me give you a concrete example of how this would play out for me.
So here I am, thinking I’m not good enough, smart enough, that people suck, that the pandemic sucks, that politicians are hypocrites, etc.
I’m feeling like shit. This is no fun. Then I realize I can choose what to think.
I take a step back and look at what other thoughts are currently available across my thought landscape.
In the beginning, it’s hard to see past a few meters because all the negative thoughts are fighting for attention, clouding my vision.
I try to rise a bit higher, past the dark fog.
I know there are other thoughts across the dark valley of shitty thoughts.
There you go… I see some light.
About 2 km away, I see a couple of green hills peeking through the clouds.
I take a closer look.
I see my family on one of them.
They love me. I feel happy to know they are alive and they love me.
I see food. Yum! I can see I have plenty of food, and I can afford more if I need to.
That makes me happy.
Another hill. Wow! I’m relatively healthy. How lucky I am! I can still walk, play sports, dance, use my body. My hands work… I can build things!
Another hill further away.
I see people in need. People whose lives I could make better. It makes me happy I could help other people. That’s important.
This exercise took only a couple of minutes, and my outlook has completely changed.
I feel gratitude. I feel alive. I feel happy.
My thought landscape is full of wonderful thoughts to choose from.
I don’t want to discriminate against negative thoughts. I just don’t want them to dictate how I feel 90% of the time.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember a single day of my life where I didn’t have a moment where my mind wasn’t imprisoned by negative thinking.
Negative thinking is inevitable. It’s there for our survival. We just need to learn how to keep it at bay.
The thought landscape will always offer you plenty of alternative thoughts, equally or even more valid than the negative thoughts you currently hold in your mind.
Our thoughts are very powerful. They contribute largely to our mood. When negative thoughts creep into our mind without asking for permission, we can easily fall into a pattern of negativity that reflects on our life and well-being. It seems difficult to get out of the vicious circle of negative thoughts, but there are simple solutions that take us towards positive thinking and drive out negative ideas. It can be enough to carefully observe the pattern of our thoughts and try to change them.
Here are 5 steps that will guide you towards positive thinking.
Write down your negative thoughts. Realising how critical we are to ourselves is the first step towards indulgence. Maybe you don’t notice how many times your inner voice says “I am really incapable” or “I will never be able to do it”. When a thought like that gets in your mind, write it down. It will help you understand how you (badly) treat yourself from time to time (or maybe often?).
Fight negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Once you have written down your negative thoughts, fight them with positive ones. Try replacing some of your negative thoughts with positive thoughts. For example, don’t think that you are incapable, think you are sensitive. And even if you have not reached your goal yet, remember that your determination will allow you to get there.
Put sticky notes on the mirror congratulating yourself. This may make you smile, but writing love messages to yourself can really work. Starting the day with small positive notes will allow you to feel better. It will also help you fight the negative inner voice during your day.
Speak to yourself as if you were talking to a friend. Could you ever tell a friend how ugly they are, that they will never succeed in life, or that they are incapable? So why would you do it to yourself? Treat yourself with more kindness and don’t judge yourself. Do not seek perfection and remember that we learn from our mistakes.
Practice, practice, practice. Maybe these techniques will not come naturally to you at first. Perhaps you will not believe in positive thinking or you will not be able to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. But if you try some techniques every day, after a while it will become easier. So, practice, practice, practice.
Remember that you cannot change a situation but you can change your approach to it. By changing your thoughts, you will also change your life.
Crisbie Coach 