judgements – Crisbie Coach

I Accept Myself As I Am

unrecognizable women with different body types

After finishing my training to become a coach (already a long ago, in 2017), I began to recite a mantra that sounds like this:

I love and accept myself as I am.

Every time I argue with my husband, especially when he doesn’t like some of my behaviour, I go with my mantra: I love and accept myself as I am.

What does it mean to love and accept ourselves as we are?

First, it means having a healthy relationship with ourselves, namely clogging the genuine belief that we are enough and not continuing to try to be “validated” by others.

Self-acceptance is not just about your body. Sometimes when we look in the mirror (especially us women) we do not like ourselves, we see ourselves fat, a little older, with dark circles under our eyes and who knows what other defects. Our body is the most visible part of ourselves, and commercials make us see people in great shape, always perfect and beautiful.

But also our personality is important of course, and it is crucial to accept ourselves as we are.

Why is accepting oneself so important?

Research has shown that non-acceptance of oneself or poor self-acceptance can be the cause of depression and anxiety. In addition, a negative image of ourselves can even cause eating disorders that could also turn into obesity.

Although accepting ourselves as we are would make us feel better, it is not easy, because we always seek others’ approval. This is also the result of social conditioning, which pushes us to always seek validation from the group, from the community we belong and feel part of.

Moreover, today, with the massive use of social media, we tend more and more to compare ourselves to others, we want to get as many likes as possible, to feel part of something that goes beyond our identity, and prevents us from achieving a well-being based on who we really are and what we seek in life, our purpose, why we are on this planet, in one word, your Ikigai, as the Japanese would say.

We think that judgment, the approval of others contributes to our well-being, when in reality it is not like that.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Who are these “others” whom you trust so much that you let them judge you?
Do you really know them well?
Why do you trust their judgment?

Remember: accept yourself for what you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.

Make my mantra yours: I love and accept myself as I am.

Appreciating the Differences

close up photo of different coloring wooden pencils

This story tells us why we should appreciate the differences to build up collective intelligence.

Alone we go faster, together we go further – African proverb

An Indian story tells us about the discovery of an elephant by six blind people.

Each of them touching only a part of the elephant described it differently depending on where they had touched the animal. So, one compared it to a wall, another said a spear, another a snake, or a tree, a fan, or a rope.

They began to argue about what they had felt by touching the elephant. The discussion became very animated because each of them wanted to be right.

A wise man passed by and heard them arguing. Then, he approached them and with a smile said: “The elephant has all the traits that you have described, because you have touched only one part of the animal. That’s why you describe it differently.”

This story explains well that it is quite inappropriate to be sure that we are right because reality always exceeds our personal visions, our context based on a unique path and limiting beliefs.

Differences when they become obstacles take away the opportunity to broaden our consciousness and enrich collective intelligence, where 1 + 1 equals 3.

Therefore, considering an ally the one who thinks differently rather than an enemy or a rival, would not lead us to add up our different approaches but we will reach new solutions, which would exceed the individual contribution of each of us.

Once again, common sense invites us to be tolerant rather than judgmental, because to judge means to separate but, as the African proverb says, “Alone we go faster, together we go further”.

What do you think about this story?

Spring, Spiritual Awakening and Freedom

It is the end of winter and spring appears timidly showing us the first blossoms, longer days and birds that build nests.

Spring marks the awakening of nature and therefore also our awakening, not only physical but also spiritual.

There is a Sanskrit word that defines spiritual awakening, but which actually means “liberation”. The word is Moksha.

According to the Indian tradition, the discovery of one’s Self is associated with that of freedom.

But why? What kind of freedom are we talking about?

First of all, let us remember that waking up our true nature means becoming aware that there is a much wider presence within ourselves than the individual we normally identify with. The Self is called Atman in Indian philosophy.

The first freedom that we should discover is to abandon identification with the body. In fact, by discovering our Self, we stop living as prisoners inside our body. Suddenly our presence, which was previously closed within the perimeter of our skin, becomes immense and limitless. We join the world. We are no longer inside our body, but it is our body that is inside us.

The second freedom is the discovery that we are not dependent on our thoughts. The Self is not a thought, but it is consciousness, the awakened space in which our thoughts appear and disappear. Liberation from thought is like liberation from a corvee, from a hellish cycle of recurring thoughts, and it gives us silence.

The third freedom consists in the discovery that our Self is free from our past, from what has happened to us of both positive and negative. Our past remains, of course, and constitutes our history, but the Self lives only in the present moment, so it is always new, original, fresh. It allows us to regenerate the source of our presence every moment.

The fourth freedom is that from the judgment of others, which too often is very heavy. Others see us, judge us and this makes us lose some of our freedom. But others cannot see our true Self, they cannot see who we really are. They only see our appearance, our body, but they cannot see our true nature. Thanks to awakening we are able to free ourselves from the gaze of others and finally to be free.

Which of these four freedoms do you think is most useful for your individual journey?

woman walking on pathway under the sun — Individual Journey – Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

How To Live the Life You Want

Albert Ellis (1913-2007), an American psychologist, developed his own method: Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). The basic principle of this therapy can be summed up in this sentence taken by Epictetus: “People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” According to Ellis, by finding and changing your irrational beliefs, which are a source of suffering, you can free up yourselves from your internal chains and finally lead the life you want.

Here are 5 tips that you can use depending on the area that you deem most “urgent” (couple, work, family, etc.) in which toxic beliefs are active and, therefore, need to be addressed.

Stop using of the verb “must”. Ellis calls this belief the “musts”. Must-haves can generate emotional disturbances, which prevent you from connecting to your deepest and truest needs and desires. In addition, they also prevent you from finding the resources you need to pass over difficult times. Examples of some thoughts resulting from this belief are: “I have to do everything well otherwise others will not appreciate me (meaning, if others do not like me, I am worthless)”; “The others have to do exactly as I want”. “Circumstances must allow me to get what I want and how I want it”. Whenever you feel trapped in a situation, the “musts” are at work. Identifying them allows you to weaken their negative charge and slowly you will be able to let them go.
Choose your words wisely (remember that words are bricks that build walls, also within you). The words you use not only reveal your way of thinking but also guide your behaviour. How you interpret what happens to you and how you project yourself into an event that has yet to happen affects your emotional state. This generates emotions that reinforce your beliefs. Rather than repeating over and over that you are not lucky or that you are worthless, it is better to say that you did your best, that perhaps you have not been careful or that you were not aware of that thing or fact, but that you will do everything possible to do it better next time. It is not about using the magic wand, but about betting on what helps you move forward rather than following your negative and useless beliefs.
Dare to think about yourself. It is not about thinking only about yourself or thinking of yourself as opposed to others. Judgments, conformism and projections from others (parents, family, friends, society) take you away from what makes you feel good. Ellis believed in the power of determination, even knowing the weight of the unconscious and personal history. He invited his patients to identify areas of life that made them feel good and wanted them to focus on those. We all want to be accepted, recognized for our worth, but sometimes it is necessary to put aside these desires of gratification. You shall focus on what makes the most sense to you, what you feel is the condition for a happy life according to your happiness standards.
Stop blaming yourself. Are you ruining your life by saying “I should have” or “I could have”? Are you spinning around like a hamster on its wheel? Reproaches against yourself represent real sterile and negative self-flagellations. If you have made a mistake, even a serious one, let the guilt go away and then evaluate two rational and productive options: apologize and repair the “damage”. By apologizing, you face the reality and assume your responsibilities. Repairing, on the other hand, allows you to get back into a position of action and makes you regain self-esteem. Stopping self-scolding also helps you take the reins of your life back and move on. If you have made a mistake and you are the victim, it’s just as important to learn to forgive yourself and learn the lesson for the next time.
Laugh more often. Laughing allows you to take distance, to play down, to hold on and to create an environment that is conducive to exchange and sharing around you. Look at the crazy side of situations (there always is), listen to humorists, watch comedies. Laughing is contagious, you know. As soon as you see that you are being a know-it-all, that you want to give lessons, that you are becoming fussy or that you are complaining, stop it! Remember that people do not like when you are like that. Moreover, you might be suffering of stress toxic effects, as you would fail to identify what is important from what is not and, finally, you would be a victim of a perfectionism that may ruin your life and, sometime, even that of the others.

Do you think that any of these tips may help you with your life?