flaws – Crisbie Coach

I Accept Myself As I Am

unrecognizable women with different body types

After finishing my training to become a coach (already a long ago, in 2017), I began to recite a mantra that sounds like this:

I love and accept myself as I am.

Every time I argue with my husband, especially when he doesn’t like some of my behaviour, I go with my mantra: I love and accept myself as I am.

What does it mean to love and accept ourselves as we are?

First, it means having a healthy relationship with ourselves, namely clogging the genuine belief that we are enough and not continuing to try to be “validated” by others.

Self-acceptance is not just about your body. Sometimes when we look in the mirror (especially us women) we do not like ourselves, we see ourselves fat, a little older, with dark circles under our eyes and who knows what other defects. Our body is the most visible part of ourselves, and commercials make us see people in great shape, always perfect and beautiful.

But also our personality is important of course, and it is crucial to accept ourselves as we are.

Why is accepting oneself so important?

Research has shown that non-acceptance of oneself or poor self-acceptance can be the cause of depression and anxiety. In addition, a negative image of ourselves can even cause eating disorders that could also turn into obesity.

Although accepting ourselves as we are would make us feel better, it is not easy, because we always seek others’ approval. This is also the result of social conditioning, which pushes us to always seek validation from the group, from the community we belong and feel part of.

Moreover, today, with the massive use of social media, we tend more and more to compare ourselves to others, we want to get as many likes as possible, to feel part of something that goes beyond our identity, and prevents us from achieving a well-being based on who we really are and what we seek in life, our purpose, why we are on this planet, in one word, your Ikigai, as the Japanese would say.

We think that judgment, the approval of others contributes to our well-being, when in reality it is not like that.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Who are these “others” whom you trust so much that you let them judge you?
Do you really know them well?
Why do you trust their judgment?

Remember: accept yourself for what you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.

Make my mantra yours: I love and accept myself as I am.

Why Perfectionism Is Not Healthy

Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive lifestyle that has a high personal cost and can lead to anxiety or depression. Sometimes it hides a low self-esteem. That is why perfectionism is not healthy.

Being perfect means that you do not have imperfections, defects, or weaknesses. For some of us, perfectionism might seem an advantage, especially if it is referred to the work place. If you want to be successful, you should set high standards, have attention to details, and dedication.

However, this is a myth. Perfectionism does not mean to do things well.

Perfectionism affects people of all ages and lifestyles, and it is on the rise among students. An research in which 41,641 British, Canadian and American universities were included between 1989 and 2016, showed an increase in the percentage of young people who feel they need to aim for perfection to achieve their academic and professional goals.

Extreme perfectionism is a compulsive way of demanding that things and the way you do things shall be perfect and precise.

Aiming for perfection can have a high personal cost, it involves multiple negative effects, such as eating disorders, anxiety, or depression.

Especially among young people, the link between perfectionism and suicide risk is alarming.

According to the study, an increasing number of people have been experiencing what the researchers call “multidimensional perfectionism,” which includes perfectionism aimed at themselves, perfectionism aimed at others, and the socially prescribed perfectionism.

While self-oriented perfectionism focuses on extremely high personal standards, other-oriented perfectionism involves that others shall meet high and unmeasured expectations set by us.

In addition, the socially prescribed perfectionism implies the perception that other people, or also society at large, impose being perfect and having perfect performances.

Every form of perfectionism has a negative aspect. When the person who aims for perfection fails, especially in the presence of others, they feel a deep sense of guilt and shame because they perceive it as a flaw or, even worse, as a failure.

Moving from being perfectionist to being a bit less perfectionist

We stigmatize ourselves when we fail, so it’s important to learn that failure is acceptable. This is an inevitable reality, as perfection does not apply to human beings.

Therefore:

give yourself permission to develop more realistic and flexible expectations;

keep your perspective and focus on what you are passionate about;

if you think, or have been told, that you are in a critical situation, do not hesitate to ask for professional help;

recognize that there is also meaning in failure, because you can learn from it.

To conclude, remember that to invent the light bulb, 2000 attempts were necessary!

What do you think about perfectionism? Do you recognise yourself in one category of perfectionism?

illuminated light bulb — Light Bulb – Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

How And Why Haters Act

A “hater” can be defined as a person who, on the Internet and in particular on social networks, usually taking advantage of anonymity, uses racist expressions of hatred and violently insults individuals, especially if known or famous, or entire segments of the population (foreigners and immigrants, women, non-Caucasian people, homosexuals, believers of other religions, disabled people, etc.).

Some researchers have identified the following characteristics as typical of haters:

1. predominantly express negative opinions in an aggressive manner;

2. make cynical or cruel comments and look for susceptible people;

3. they try to be ingenious to gain visibility in the media thanks to the fruit of their provocations;

4. usually, they deal with current issues to attract the attention of the general public.

The energy that the haters invest in their destructive action may have two reasons:

1. envy and desire to become famous. The haters believe that the person to whom they turn their hatred does not deserve the fame or prestige they have. The indignation is stronger when the person carries out an activity in the same field as the hater, obtaining, however, a recognition that the hater does not receive.

2. psychological projection. Identified by Freud in 1895, psychological projection is a defence mechanism by which someone attributes their shortcomings or defects to others.

In general, researchers found narcissistic and psychopathic personality traits, antisocial and sometimes even sadistic personalities in the haters who participated in the studies. Certainly, it is not easy to find haters willing to participate in research because they obviously prefer to remain anonymous. Furthermore, wanting to participate in a study would mean an awareness of the problem from the side of the hater, which is also quite difficult to find.

The haters phenomenon can happen in two ways.

On the one hand, if haters are ignored, and the recipients of the offences do not respond to their attacks, they tend to get bored and leave the online context where they were trying to find consent and visibility.

On the other hand, however, persistent hating behaviours can be an indication of truly harmful, antisocial and physically aggressive intentions that reflect genuinely disturbed personalities.

In conclusion, if a person has aggressive and offensive behaviours that cease if they do not find an audience and therefore visibility, the problem arises from the side of those who exploit this kind of behaviour. If, on the other hand, online behaviour were a reflection of real personality problems, it would be necessary to analyse the character of the individual, which is in any case independent on the use of social media.

What do you think of haters? Have you ever been attacked in the social networks?

Why You Should Accept Your Insecurities

“All I have achieved in life has been thanks to good luck”. “My colleagues are better than me”. “I cannot believe my colleagues complimenting me on a job well done.”

Does it sound familiar to you? If you think that everything that happens to you is due to chance and good luck you are probably someone with an external locus. You may feel insecure in one area of your life, personal or professional, or in both areas. Maybe you think being unable to manage a project (remember that the best solutions come after unsuccessful events) or that a person you like does not want to talk to you (but have you ever tried approaching them?).

Insecurity does not always come with the same intensity. It ranges from an unpleasant feeling to a real paralysis, for instance when you have to make a presentation in front of a big audience or when you do not have the courage to talk to someone you like.

However, insecurity can become your ally if you know how to turn it in your favour. The first step is to recognize that you are insecure. Try to think objectively about your successes, big or small. At the beginning, you felt insecure but you succeeded thanks to your will and determination.

Continuously complaining, looking at others success, constantly thinking that you are unlucky certainly does not help you. Perhaps you will not be able to control your insecurity in any situations, but try to change your attitude, take it into your hands, look at it and say, “Yes, I can do it!”

Accepting yourself for who you are with all your strengths and weaknesses, even if you do not like them, will help you overcoming insecurity.

Are you ready to challenge your insecurities?

How to Identify a Narcissistic Personality

The common definition of narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self-image and attributes.

Narcissists are people who believe be unique, superior to others and masters of a wonderful existence that no one can imagine. As a result, they may be bully and arrogant. They need constant admiration and always want to be the best. Therefore, they may become extremely competitive. In their view, they are the only ones capable of achieving results in life.

They also think their experience is more valuable than that of others and feel they need to set an example for those around them. They do not do it to give advice but to be at the centre of the attention. Because of that, their social relationships deteriorate fast and they need new people to admire them, even if, over time, they will be left alone.

The world of narcissists is small, it is limited to what they think and do. In their their mind there are echoes of their thoughts. They do not listen to others because they don’t care about anything. Their greed for admiration leads them to believe that there are no ordinary events happening in their life, their existence is just wonderful and successful.

Envy prevails in their personal and social relationships, both what they feel about others’ success and what they think other people feel about their fantastic life.

Caution is the norm if a narcissist approaches you, because they want to excel and they will not hesitate to crush you. They are the worst acquaintances you can have because their lack of empathy makes them unable to help and support.

They live in a parallel reality, in a dream world where they want to exert power over others. Whatever they do is addressed to achieve success at any costs.

They have a vivid imagination that leads them to lie often, and they may tell amazing things they have done, even though they are difficult to prove. Remember that they cannot fail, failure does not belong to their world.

Narcissists need to hide their flaws and turn their insecurity into a false security. In order not to show their vulnerability, they will do anything necessary, such as talking excessively, changing the subject in order to shift attention to them, and belittle others by pointing out their flaws.

Narcissists are control freaks and try to bring every situation to their own ground, where they feel safe. If they are managers, they will micromanage.

They must constantly feel euphoria not to show their discomfort, because the narcissistic person do not want to feel frustrated. A common way to avoid frustration is addiction, whether it is shopping, alcohol, drugs, sports, sex, or gambling.

Another characteristic of narcissists is that they tend to take advantage of others. For example, they will partner with well-positioned people to earn their trust and use them to help them grow. They will also take credits of others’ success to advance their career or social ladder.

Narcissists master the subtle art of manipulation. They are always on an alert mode, ready to redirect those who try to say or do something they do not like, or that does not allow them to show their greatness and power in front of others.

If after reading this article you think you are a narcissist, don’t worry as a true narcissist will never identify with these traits. For a narcissistic person, aspirations are never excessive. If they are the centre of attention it is because they think they deserve it. It is ridiculous for these people to try to identify themselves in any profile. The narcissist is unique, in no way you can compete with him or her.

Have you ever dealt with a narcissist?