Active Listening – Crisbie Coach

What Is the Meaning of Resilience?

What is the meaning of resilience?

Let’s see the meaning of the word as it is found on the Merriam-Webster:

resilience

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

After witnessing or being a victim of a traumatic event, such as a terrorist attack, war, flood, fire, the loss of a dear relative or friend, an ordeal may begin for people. In the months following the event, people find themselves silent, stunned, they review the same terrifying images and feel unable to return to a normal life. Yet, after a relatively short time, one year for example, more than 50% of these people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) feel better. Some individuals possess amazing abilities to overcome difficulties and return to their original, or even mentally stronger, state. This process can be defined as “resilience“.

Why are there people who are more resilient than others?

In some cases resilience is partly innate. The concentration of cortisol (the stress hormone) drops faster. It is estimated that 85% of the population has genetic predispositions to defend themselves from traumas. Another determining factor is the healthy environment in which they grew up. Emotional security during early childhood provides better self-esteem and helps to better overcome difficulties.

In addition, the support of family and friends is also crucial. Some studies on the state of memory after traumatic events revealed that when survivors were left on their own, the chances of reacting with resilience were lower, while when they were well surrounded, they had a good chance of overcoming the situation they were facing.

So how could you help the victims?

You could reassure them, speak to them with affection, as you would do with a child. In fact, just like children, survivors can no longer manage their emotions, and sometimes they can’t even speak! By protecting them, the stress generated by the traumatic event will gradually be reduced.

A first level of psychological help can be given by establishing a relationship with the person involved by actively listening to them.

Then, you shall assess the needs of this person and establish priority.

However, for a real psychological support it is important to contact a professional, who will be able to give a proper psychological first aid (PFA) and decide on the follow-up to help people regain their vision of the world and ultimately their life.

Have you ever witnessed a traumatic event or helped any victims of traumatic events? How did you react?

Would you like to know more on overcoming stress? Have a look here!

How to Help a Friend in Need

It hurts to see a loved one who is not psychologically well. How to help a friend need then?

Nobody taught you how to help a friend and you don’t know what to do. You celebrate successes with them but you would like to be able to listen to their anxieties, fears, frustrations and problems in general. It really depends on your sensitivity and empathy.

You have noticed that a friend of yours no longer looks like the one you used to know. They seem sad, dull, speak little, they are isolated and blocked in their thoughts. They may be also restless, nervous, hyperactive, anxious, irritable, and have started drinking a lot of alcohol.

You wonder if it was due to the pandemic. Maybe, but they were like that also in the summer, when the Covid situation had improved. They continue to see everything black, they don’t want to go out, see anyone or even talk to anyone.

Moreover, they sleep badly, and are not motivated to go to work.

The first thing that comes naturally to do is trying to reassure them, saying that they don’t need to worry, it will pass quickly, we all have problems and maybe you start telling them about yours, as if this could cheer them up. The result is that your friend is getting worse and worse.

Actually, this diminishing other people’s state of discomfort only contributes to making them feel worse.

Once a psychologist told me that when a person is agitated, you should never tell them to stay calm, because this would have the opposite effect. It is more or less the same thing. If a person is in distress, you should not underestimate their discomfort.

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Therefore, how to help a friend in need?

First, you have to listen to them, in an active and empathic way. Listening in this way is not easy, but you can learn. Validate what the friend feels; don’t underestimate their situation and make them understand that they are not alone.

Sometimes, giving advice is not useful. On the other hand, it may be useful to offer practical help, such as shopping for example.

Alternatively, you can propose to go out together, for a drink or to a restaurant, so that your friend can get distracted and maybe they relax and tell you about the difficult time they are going through. A walk in nature or a short hike are also activities that can prove useful. Visiting an art exhibition or a museum can really help raise the moral.

You don’t have to force them to do anything they don’t want to, you have to give your friend space and time, conveying hope that they will feel better later on. You can also tell them to remember some good times from the past that might be comforting. Or, you can tell them to think of other difficult moments they went through and ask themselves how they overcame them.

In addition, you don’t have neither to put pressure on them nor judge them. Only be available.

Obviously, you must not take responsibility for the mental health of the other person. If you are not a psychologist, you cannot know if what the person is going through is temporary or if it is a real mental disorder.

Therefore, if you see that your friend’s health does not improve, you should try to convince them to go to the doctor to explain the situation. Maybe you could even offer to accompany them, because friendship also means helping each other.

What are your strategies for helping a friend to overcome a difficult situation?

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Are You Bossy or You just Have Better Ideas?

I read this in one of my colleague’s office, and I started to think about it. There are people who behave bossy and other people who seem more co-operative, they like working in team, sharing ideas, and are accountable. Are they natural born leader?

I consider that being a manager does not mean being a leader. Leaders have natural charisma, manager can be sometime a pain in your neck.

What makes the difference? The personality, of course. You cannot be a leader if you are not a good listener for instance, do not think about everyone’s well-being but only at your own. Natural born leader strive for creating a positive working environment so that everyone feels included and part of an organisation that cares.

If leaders are not managers, maybe they will create a bit of chaos and confusion but they should be listened by the management, as they may have followers who share their vision.

What about if you are a manager but not a natural born leader? You should try to listen carefully to your people’s needs, aspirations and ambitions. You should avoid abusing from the power that your position entails, you should avoid making favouritism among your staff, and you should also refrain from micromanaging people. In one word, you should not be bossy. Your ideas are as much valuables as your people’s ideas.